Why I Will Never Be A Bishop

The South-Central Synod of Wisconsin where I am rostered will be having an election for bishop at the end of this month.  I do not need to go into details for the reason the election will be in September.  When I was in seminary, my New Testament professor, Peter Kjeseth, dubbed me “Bishop Schaub.”  I went through the remainder of seminary known as "Bishop."  Some classmates thought that was proleptic.  After 35 years of ministry I know that I will never be a bishop.  Here are a few reasons why.

• I don’t play the game.  Meaning, I am not one to schmooze the pastors I do not know very well.  I was in my first congregation for 9 years and my second congregation for 17 years.  I wasn’t in circulation from one side of the synod to the other.  Having had four interim positions outside of the synod also reduced my visibility.  In other words, I am not one of the shakers and movers of the synod.  That may be a good thing.  If I were political, it would be a bad thing.
•  
• I say what I think.  I never learned that skill to keep my thoughts to myself and to carry on a conversation without saying what I really felt.  I just think that is being deceptive.  If I were a bishop and thought a congregation was being mean and stupid, I probably would blurt it out.  If a pastor was a dumb twit and told the pastor what I thought, the man or woman would probably end up in therapy.
•  
• I don’t like to over-think things.  Sure, I will analyze and synthesize but, golly gee-whiz, some people just exhaust me with all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s about issues.  When those conversations begin, that is when I go get coffee.
•  
• I am too big and fat to comfortably sit in an airplane and bishops have to do a lot of flying.
•  
• Other than doing a cannonball during pool time at the Council of Bishops, I am not one for making a big splash.  I am probably a little too low-key to be a bishop.  Among the bishops of the ELCA I know that there are many who are faithful and humble.  I can also guess there are some big egos.
•  
• Bishops end up with churchwide responsibilities that take them away from home several nights a month. I would prefer to be a bishop to take care of things in the synod.  The presiding bishop might not like it if I told her, “Sorry, I can’t attend February’s committee meeting in Arizona.  I have to say grace at St. John’s-Leland chili supper.”
•  
• Synod office is too close to Culver’s.  I would be tempted to do quality control on their Flavors of the Day.
•  
• If I were bishop after a week of talking down irate members angry at their pastor, conservative crack-pots declaring we Lutherans are apostates because of our social stance, and taking personal blame for budget short-falls, I would want to take off for the weekend.  Not gonna happen.

If any of my readers are voting members of the synod assembly let me ask that they do not write down my name on that first ballot. Let me be a steady-Eddie interim pastor someplace not too far from home so I can sleep in my own bed.